First emotional help with quarrels

What are you doing when the interlocutor hatches your anger at you? Answer him with the same aggression, begin to make excuses or try to reassure it? To help another, you must first stop your own “emotional bleeding”, said Clinical psychologist Aaron Karmin.

Many are not used to putting their own interests in the first place, but in conflict situations it is normally taken care of first of all about yourself. This is not a manifestation of selfishness. Selfishness – care only about yourself, spitting on the rest.

We are talking about self -preservation – you must first help yourself so that strength and the opportunity to help others appear. To be a good husband or wife, parent, child, friend and employee, we must first take care of our own needs.

Take for example emergency situations on the plane, which we are told in the briefing before the flight. Selfishness – put on an oxygen mask on yourself and forget about everyone else. Complete dedication – to put on masks on everyone around when we ourselves are suffocated. Self -preservation – first put on the mask on ourselves so that we can help others.

At school we are not taught to cope with such situations. Perhaps the teacher advised not to pay attention when we are called with bad words. And what, this advice helped? Of course not. It is one thing-to ignore someone’s idiotic remark, it is completely different to feel like a “rag”, to allow yourself to insult and ignore the damage that someone causes our self-esteem and self-esteem.

What is the first emotional help?

1. Do what you like

We spend a lot of effort to please others or not leave them dissatisfied. We must stop doing unnecessary things and start doing something constructive, make independent decisions that comply with our principles. Perhaps this will need to stop doing what we must, and take care of our own happiness.

2. Use your experience and common sense

We are adults, and

we have enough experience to understand what words of the interlocutor make sense and what he says only to wound us. Do not take it on your own account. His anger is an adult version of children’s hysteria.

He tries to intimidate and uses provocative statements and a hostile tone to demonstrate superiority and force him to obey. We can accept his feelings, but disagree with his view of the facts.

Instead of succumbing to the instinctive desire to defend yourself, it is better to use common sense. If you feel that you begin to take the flow of insults to heart, as if words really reflect your value as a person, say “Stop!”. After all, this is exactly what they want from us.

He tries to rise, belittling us, because he desperately needs self -affirmation. Adults respecting people do not have such a need. It is inherent in those who lack self -esteem. But we will not answer him the same. We will not belittle him even more.

3. Do not let emotions upper

We can regain control of the situation, remembering that we have a choice. In particular, we control everything that we pronounce. Perhaps we will want to explain, defend ourselves, argue, crush, go on a counterattack or give up and submit, but we can restrain ourselves and not do it.

We are no worse than anyone else in the world, we are not obliged to perceive the words of the interlocutor literally. We can admit his feelings: “In my opinion, you feel bad”, “probably this is very painful” or keep your opinion to you.

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